Because sometimes, a childhood idol remains a childhood idol- the feelings of admiration never go away. 

And even IPL controversies and hyped Twitter activities can't change that.

Photo editing courtesy: Shreya Sarkar

To Cut A Long Story Short.

I seem to be on this path of reminiscence, lately. One of my most recent blogposts was about the Incidence perfume, which I related to my father's memory. And this blogpost is going to go much along the same tangent - not about perfume, but about a writer.

So, like the title of one of Jeffrey Archer's short story collections goes, to cut a long story short, I met and interviewed a world-famous author today. And if you haven't guessed it already, it was Archer himself, who was in the city (as part of a nationwide tour to release his new novel Only Time Will Tell). 

He's rude and sarcastic, and even has that typical dry British humour, but he is amazing nonetheless, questionable personal life notwithstanding.

My father introduced me to Archer's writing when I was about 12 or 13. I even remember the particular story - it was One Man's Meat, the story with three different endings, from the collection Twelve Red Herrings. And while I have read a couple of his novels, I still prefer the short stories because of their masterpiece twists at the end.

It's an experience to come this close to a man whose writing I'd hugely admired. And I am kicking myself for being the world's biggest idiot - right when I was walking out of the auditorium, he was walking in with another man, there was no one else around and I should have asked him to take a picture with me! But I froze and gawked at him like a complete loser. He smiled at me and walked on. What an opportunity to miss. Still. Memories are very solid things and maybe someday I shall tell my children that I interviewed Lord Jeffrey Archer himself!

For the meantime, since my fondly-imagined children aren't in the picture yet, I shall content myself with thinking that my father would be so proud if he could see me now. He loved Archer's writing, and to think his daughter actually interviewed him today.

It would be his 52nd birthday tomorrow, and I think this actually makes a great present. Cheers to you, Height. Happy Birthday.

Bleurgh.

Again it comes. Again. 

The dissatisfaction and the dilemmas. The grappling with my sense of morality and justice.

I'm so sick and tired of what goes on around me. Sometimes I think we're doomed, we're ALL doomed, and that there's no point in any work, in any effort, in any social campaign. For the most part, I'm banging my head against a wall, screaming at people on the other side to listen.

People are so goddamn apathetic, so lazy and so bloody unprofessional. Social change is something that's optional, something that is expected to automatically come while they sit pretty, complaining about how this country is headed downhill, the ironic part being that they won't lift a finger to do anything. 

Either that or they're pretentious, acting like they own the whole world and can therefore be flippant about other people's feelings.

Well, let me tell you people something. Everything you do comes back to you, so go ahead, put up Facebook notes and pat each other on the back for being able to read into something that wasn't meant for you in the first place. It'll all come back to bite you and then we'll see, yeah?

And feelings, feelings that I thought would never go away, but they have - and I'm not sure whether to feel happy or sad, or even disappointed. 

The evenings are so nice and breezy, but somehow I never get to enjoy them. Life seems to have overpowered me with all its demands and responsibilities, and I have the vague feeling I'm not doing well enough, or going fast enough. I need a break, I need to STOP! for a while, just sit and catch my breath, but there isn't even time for that.

After A Long, Long Time...

...I'm back. Back again to blogosphere, back to this sometimes-familiar, sometimes-neglected blog of mine. So much has been happening over the past few weeks that it's difficult to write about it all. I've been through a messy incident, I've cried over the trauma and the embarrassment - but I've also decided to do something about it. I've never been one to take anything lying down, and I'm not about to start now. 

I live my life by a simple diktat - "Stand up for what's right. Make a difference." And it's this simple rule which has been giving me strength over this time. You can read all about the Safe City campaign online - check The Telegraph or the Facebook group.

And then, there are people. So many different types of people. Hypocritical people - the armchair philosophers who spout poetically-constructed sentences on why change is impossible, and the people who promise to be there, but don't. Corrupt people - people so embedded in their own greed and own agendas that anything else around them seems unimportant and trivial. Clingy people - people who don't take no for an answer, who refuse to believe that some things are just not possible, and that walking away is the best option. 

And then there are the people who do stand by you, who comfort you with words or hugs , gestures or inappropriate jokes. People who run with you from pillar to post to make sure your protest goes somewhere. People who book you expensive plane tickets at a few days' notice to help you get a change of scene, to make sure you don't lose your sanity.

Sometimes, dignity, happiness and life are so fragile. All it takes for your dignity to be threatened is being grabbed by an unknown man. All it takes for your happiness to show cracks in its surface is the indifference of people you regarded as close. And all it takes for life to start crumbling is the constant onset of unwanted things - a hard disk crash, an eye infection, a series of bad assessments.

But the beauty of dignity is that no one can take it from you, if you don't let them. The beauty of happiness is that it's a state of mind - it's within your control. And the beauty of life is that when it comes crumbling down, you have the strength to build it up again.

Rant.

I've always promised myself that I would never turn this blog into a rant-space, that I would never make public my deepest feelings and acknowledge the pain and turmoil within me. But this is one of those times, when I just need to get it all out, when I need a catharsis of sorts. Sometimes, a rant is needed, to clear the head, to get my feelings in order. So here goes the public, probably even undignified display of emotion.

You. I hate you, and despise you from my very core. I'm sorry I ever got to know you. You're the biggest piece of scum I've ever interacted with, I'm past the point of even feeling sorry for you. Fuck you, seriously.
You. You two-faced little thing. You look so harmless, but now I know better. What are you getting out of this? And why are you playing the double agent? I know what you're after - don't you realise it's never going to happen? You're deluding yourself if you think it's possible - grow up, wake up and smell the coffee.
You. I don't know what to do with you, really. I don't know how to handle myself, I don't know whether things are going right or whether things have always been wrong, from the very beginning. This isn't good for me, and I need to get out. But why is that so horribly hard for me to do?
You. I feel like you are the one true constant in my life, you're the one person I can be myself around - myself with all my quirks, randomness, whiny-ness, and bitchiness. What we've shared together - do most people get that? People change, therefore - relationships, too, must change. With us, I just don't know anymore. And the strange thing is, something tells me you feel the same way as I do.
You. You're the best friend I could ask for. You listen to all my complaints, put up with all my moods, and bear with me patiently through all my confusion. I love you, sometimes I don't know what I would do without you. Thank you for always being there.

Edward Munch's painting is so, so appropriate right now. I need to scream and scream, yell till my mouth is sore, shout till my lungs are tired, I want to wail at what's going wrong. But I know that's not possible, so I shall settle for being brave, and putting up a mature, unemotional, and unaffected front. For isn't that what I always do?

What Should I Say...

...To someone who can stoop so low? To someone whom I thought was mature? You proved me wrong by falling to such a ridiculous level.

I know we've had our problems, I know we didn't part on good terms - but come on, really, this? Are we 4 year old kids now?

You and I messed up things pretty badly, and maybe people think I was the one to blame, that it was all my fault. The truth is, very few actually ask for my side of the story, no one really knows what I went through, with you. And I like it that way, I'm not a particularly open person so I prefer being the oyster that no one can open. If people think I'm the heartless bitch that screwed you up, fine - I'm not going to go around bleating our troubles to change their opinions. But you made things incredibly hard for me, made things more complicated than they already were.

We had our problems, yes, and things didn't end well. But I thought even you were beyond this level.

But you know what? You have just proved yourself a rather disgusting person, by doing this. And my side of the story can die with me, for all I care. You're not even worth this blogpost, you juvenile piece of dirt, but I'm writing it anyway, just to get it out of my system.

I'm cutting you out of me - absolutely and totally. Have a nice life.

It's Sometimes Hilarious...

...How funny my line of work can be. I tell you, I meet such characters! People who stand out for their sheer eccentricity, who are so extremely comical that meeting them is an experience in itself! I shall tell you about 3 of the many people I've met, and you can judge for yourself.

Number One: The Shy Interviewee (A Real Pain To Talk To)

Why grant an interview if you're not going to talk? This one lady I interviewed, just refused to open her mouth! Sure, she answered questions, but it's difficult to get material for my copy if she doesn't elaborate, you know? This woman just clammed up and said, "I don't like talking about my achievements!" Well, that's admirable, I suppose, but not when you're giving an interview.

In some context, I asked her her husband's name, to which she dryly replied, "Is that necessary?" Oh come on, why not let me be the judge of that? Plus, if it wasn't necessary, would I really be asking it? (Perhaps she was too shy to say her husband's name aloud, who knows?)

Number Two: The Over-Excited PR Man ("Wow! An interview!")

PR professionals are a dime a dozen in this country, but some really stand out. This particular one I met, while covering a L'oreal parlour and a restaurant (both accounts of which he handled) was just bounding over the place with excitement, at the thought of them being covered in Femina. He didn't stop talking the entire time, I think he asked me a minimum of 7 times whether I wanted tea.

This man was so thrilled, he even suggested I get my hair done at the L'oreal place, to which I said a shocked NO, I didn't let anyone but Asif (Transcend, TollyClub) touch my hair! He seemed disappointed, but just for 2 seconds. Right after that, he asked me if I wanted a manicure. Enough said.

Number Three: The PR Guy Who Gave The Interview On Behalf Of His Client (This one takes the cake!)

Again, a reticent interviewee, who just wouldn't talk even though I knew for a fact that her achievements were many. Her PR guy, on the other hand, more than made up for it. Not only did he tell me about her involvement in some TV programmes and an award she's recently been given, but he even told me her favourite movies, her favourite kind of tea, and the city she'd travelled to last! (To which the interviewee said to him, "Baap re, tumi toh amake besh bhaloi jano, better than I know myself!)

I tell you, it's worth it doing what I do, if not for the exposure, then for meeting these gems!

Life.

Things I have learnt:

1. Nobody's perfect, but then again, perfection is a matter of perspective.
2. People change.
3. Therefore, the perceptions of perfection, too, must change.

It's such a crazy, messed up world we live in, but yet so wonderful, with its depth of emotion and human relationships. But at times, I feel like I could do without it all, I want to get away from all the feelings, the pain, the memories, and the strange sense of emptiness I feel sometimes nowadays.
*sigh*

To someone who probably won't even read this.

I knew people would talk. I expected them to. I even knew what they'd say. It's in human nature to gossip, after all, to sit down and talk about the latest scandal.

But never in my wildest dreams did I think you would be one of them, and say those things. How could you even think that way about me? You call yourself my friend? You don't know me at all, if you think I'm capable of such things.

It's strange how quickly friendships can end. You haven't made me cry, you haven't offended me, I'm beyond all that- but you are no longer my friend.

P.S. - Next time, have the guts to say it to my face, and not sneak around behind my back, badmouthing me.

Note: This you is definitely not the same person as the one mentioned in one of the previous posts, titled "You". They're as different as chalk and cheese. And I couldn't be more grateful for that.

You.

“And I can barely look at you,
But every single time I do,
I know we’ll make it anywhere,
Away from here.
Light up, light up,
As if you have a choice,
Even if you cannot hear my voice-
I’ll be right beside you, dear.”
- Run (Snow Patrol)

It’s crazy how much these lyrics remind me of You.

I’ve had people walk into my life quietly and unobtrusively, whom I’ve become close to. I’ve had people run into my life, and with sudden speed, I’ve developed intense friendships. And then I’ve had You, sauntering casually into my life, and in a matter of months, changing it completely. Words, or even sentences, for that matter, will not be able to explain how much You mean to me. We started off with zilch interaction, barely knew of each other’s existence, and look at us now.

You got me through a very difficult time. I know You say that I shouldn’t thank You for it, but I do. I never opened up to anyone about it, You were the only one. You never gave me unwanted advice, You never pushed me this way or that, or made meaningless comments- You were just there, to listen and give support. You gave me the strength to pick myself up and carry on.

We have a strange relationship indeed. Looking back at the way we started, I can hardly imagine us as those two same people. We’ve truly come a long way. It’s a surreal friendship. We’re as different as football and pink pajamas, and yet somehow, I look forward to our special time together. Our ideologies are poles apart, and yet, somehow, I get You, and You get me. We’ve learnt to embrace each other’s little quirks and individual ideas- and it’s brought us closer. Our relationship isn’t defined by anything- and that’s what I love about it.

It’s ironic that You recommended the song Run to me in the first place, and now it reminds me so strongly of You. I stand by the lyrics- certain circumstances stand in the way, but we can make it anywhere, with a bond like this. And I will always be right beside you, even if I’m not there in person.

There’s so much I could say to you, but everything’s said, yet unsaid. Thank You for being in my life. It’s going to be an amazing journey indeed.

It's been a year already.

Yes. It's been a year. It's strange how fast time flies. Dubious cups of coffee drunk at Milon-da's, sitting at the Ledge, lazing around on the grass, friendly adda sessions and random conversations- and before you know it, a year's gone by. Everyone's been saying, "We're the ickle firsties no more." But deep down at heart, I think we always will be.

I've been tagged by Reeti to write about my first day at JUDE. So here goes:

I remember it was a very rainy-stormy day. I had to go to Xaviers in the morning to cancel my admission, got thoroughly drenched, and took a cab to JU. Mom calls up, says, "It's terrible weather. Are you sure you have to go today?" I said, "Yeah, I do." And off I went.

Arunava was a big help. He was waiting for me at the gate with that huge umbrella of his, his trousers rolled up to his knees (I remember thinking, "Wow- he has surprisingly hairy legs!"). He gave me a slight tour of JU, and then, it was time for the admission procedures to start.

The first person I remember looking at was Lav. I recognized him because I'd seen him before at the British Council Play Festival the year before (of course, he had been bald then). He was wearing all-white. (But, of course!) And then, Pujarini came over to me and scolded me for not recognising her. I knew Pujarini too, although I'd never met her before.

One by one, the names were called, and we went in. I was sitting opposite Malobika Sarkar, and Prof.Lal beside her. He smiled at me as I sat down, asked how my brother was. Then Tintin-da says, "Oh, is she Bodhi's sister?" I said, "Yup. That's me." Then he says, "Did you write a poem in your answer script too?" I just smiled mysteriously. Haha!

I made friends with Shreya right after that. She was standing right behind me, I discovered that we had a friend (BDC) in common. So we got to talking, figured out common acquaintances. I guess you could say she was my first college friend. And then I met Mrinalini Sen. She looked familiar, I had the feeling I'd seen her before. We talked too, about theatre, and I realised that we had a common thread too.

I remember filling up my fee book at that little table. I had some doubt about what to write in a particular box, and I think Abhijan was sitting beside me, he helped me out. I might be wrong, it could have been someone else, but I fancy it was him.

The rest of it passed in a blur, and then we were called upstairs, where Insiya made us all introduce ourselves. I remember noticing Somdev, for some reason. And Shreya got up and said, "Hi, I'm Shreya from GDB, and I'm hyperly excited to be here" with that trademark smile of hers!

Then some of the Professors came in, and we were introduced to a certain someone's PJs, and no- I don't mean Moplah. I guess you all know who I'm talking about. But no names mentioned, eh?

Rimi-di warned us all against plagiarism, Tintin-da didn't say much, just smiled a lot, and Amlan-da fluttered his eyelashes. I think Supriya-di talked quite a bit. I remember Pujarini sitting right at the back, and asking Prof.Lal, "When is the JUDE annual theatre production?"

Then it was time to choose the EDs. Lav was very confused about what to take, and Prof.Lal told Arunava to 'help out a fellow Jacobean'.

That's most of what I remember. It was a pretty eventful day. We met each other for the first time. And at the back of everyone's minds was the thought, "Will I fit in? Will I make friends? Will my seniors like me?"

I took some time to settle down, and shake into things. I took a couple of months to get used to JUDE properly. And now of course, I love it like my second home. I've made awesome friends here, I've had awesome times here with them, most of the classes have been great, and so- here's to Second Year!

Presenting... the Pot-Luck-Lunch-at-Ruki’s-place Awards!

PJ of the Day: “Abhijan and Rudrani’s relationship is a big ‘Joe-ke’!” – by yours truly. (Well, it was the truth, not my fault if they didn’t believe it then! Ha..)
Discovery of the Day: Judeans are fabulous cooks- right from Rajma Curry to Firni, every single dish was delicious!
Instruction of the Day: “You don’t need to geographically allocate your awkward pauses!” - Anomitra.
Love affair of the Day: Jijo, with my chocolate cake. “Tuna, your cake was delicious.” X 100 times. And after 5 minutes, randomly, “Yeah, so-and-so song is nice… Tuna, your cake was amazing!” and “Oh, you should watch that movie! By the way, Tuna, your cake was too good!” and so on and so forth…
Business Decision of the Day: Rukmini might set up an online information site, and call it ‘Rukipedia’!
Apology of the Day: “I’m sorry, I cooked loads of rice, I think it must have shrunk!” – Nilanjana.
Polite Line of the Day: Sandy (the only one trying very hard to concentrate on ‘Beerfest’ in the midst of a room full of noisy people): “Ei, is the volume on maximum?” (In other words, “Shut the f*ck up, you people, and let me watch!”)

Thank you, everyone, for an absolutely brilliant time! We must do this again soon. *hug*

An Interesting Tag.

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (Don't take names):
1. Why are you so pretentious? That fake accent, the pseudo smartness- you make my hands itch to slap you.
2. My life has changed so much since I met you. You've made me a better person. Thank you for everything.
3. It's unbelievable how you've come up in the world. Who would have thought it possible? You deserve every bit of the recognition you're getting now. I'm very proud of you.
4. Are you on drugs? Why do you have such erratic behaviour? You have become very pretentious lately.
5. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. Damn circumstances coming in between, you see.
6. You have really grown up. You've become a man, in the true sense of the word. Good going!
7. I feel like you're always there with me. Never leave my side. I don't know what I'd do without you.
8. Learn to pick up your phone once in a while! (I'm sure most people will guess who THIS is for!) *wink*
9. You're really pretty nice, but your need for constant attention is a little irritating.
10. Hang in there. Things will get better. They always do.
Nine things about yourself:
1. I am very very random, and can say the most irrelevant things.
2. I am obsessive. And finicky.
3. I tend to bottle things up when I'm upset. And sometimes, I can lose my temper very badly.
4. I can be extremely rude and sarcastic if I feel like it. Otherwise, I'm a pretty nice person.
5. I love my cats, and I coochie-coo over them. It sometimes freaks out other people.
6. I make great chocolate cakes. And great omelettes.
7. I never step out of the house without wearing earrings. I feel incomplete without them.
8. I can't stand hypocrites, and double-faced people.
9. I am scared of heights. And lizards. And flying cockroaches. And of crossing busy roads.
Eight ways to win your heart:
1. Have good manners- open the door for me, pull out a chair for me- I swoon over chivalry.
2. Know stuff- about current affairs, music, books, movies, etc.
3. Have good dress sense.
4. Be kind-hearted. I don't like unpleasant or unkind people.
5. Don't try to be someone you're not, I can't stand fake pretentious people.
6. Stand up for what you believe in. Have a strong character.
7. Be a good friend. A good listener. A good shoulder to cry on.
8. Most importantly, have a sense of humour!
Seven things that cross your mind a lot:
1. I really must start studying!
2. Dammit- so many books lying around waiting to be read. And me with no time.
3. Must start with violin lessons.
4. Did I remember to take the keys?
5. I am broke.
6. Why doesn't someone invent a portable AC that can be attached to the body to make it feel cool?
7. Do I look fat in this?
Six things you wish you never did:
Umm.. I don't think I have any regrets. I wouldn't take anything back, because I learnt something from every bad decision or mistake that I made, or from every wrong path that I mistakenly travelled.
Five turn-offs:
1. Pretentiousness.
2. Hypocrisy.
3. Cruelty.
4. Lying.
5. Bad manners.
Four turn-ons:
1. A good sense of humour. And sarcasm.
2. Intelligence.
3. Quirkiness in some way or the other.
4. Being generally nice, and good-hearted. I'm a sucker for it.
Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Write and publish atleast one book.
2. Give my mother and brother everything they have wanted, if it is in my power to give it.
3. Tour Europe.
Two smileys that describe you:
;) and :)
One confession:
I used to have a huge crush on Nick Carter (of the Backstreet Boys) when I was a kid. Now you can laugh your guts out.

Peer Pressure.

This girl, not in my department, was seen smoking near Milon-da's today. Now one might think, Oh, smoking in JU isn't such a big deal- everyone does it. That's not the point. The point is that this girl always seemed to be so NOT the type. I've seen her hanging around with a group who regularly smoke, and perhaps even smoke 'up', but never once have I seen her with a cigarette in her own hand. Today really opened my eyes.

(I don't have a problem with smoking as such- people are free to screw up their bodies if they wish- it's nothing to do with me. But it was so evident that this girl was doing it just to fit in. Sad. Really sad.)

I've seen girls who seemed oh-so-prim-and-proper in school to become part of 'bad' groups in college, and become complete sluts later. Girls who swore they'd never smoke- they smoke now. Girls who said they didn't believe in multiple boyfriends- that they'd be with one guy for life- to change boyfriends as frequently as they brush their teeth, just because their friends are doing the same. Does the repression just get to them after a while? Do they forget all the promises, good intentions and philosophies that we start life with? Or do they just vanish when they meet the wrong kind of people? Or does the freedom go to their head?

Why do something just to be cool? Why do something just to fit in, just to make sure no-one thinks you're a loser?

I don't get what suddenly happens. Is it an urge to be cool, to be 'in'? A need to follow the group? A sense of obligation towards your peers? I've seen very few people to have a real sense of individuality.

Wow. Peer pressure sure is one nasty thing. It makes you do the most terrible stuff. (I'm not talking about smoking- there are worse things than that.) Terrible stuff - like compromising your principles.

A letter.

Dear *******,

My heart breaks for you. It really does. But you have to understand, what you did was wrong. I understand you're going through a lot, but you must grasp the fact that some of it is your fault and you, only YOU can set things right. Lying and asking me to lie to cover up your own- isn't the way to go about it. *sigh* You still have a lot of growing up to do. Sometimes I think I'm the only sensible one around here.

You simply CAN'T base a relationship on a lie. You need to base it on truth and trust. Without that, things will go nowhere. And besides, one lie always leads to another. And where the heck do you get off asking me to cover up for you, and say that it was my lie? I'm not concerned about the fact that I'll be made to come off as the person in the wrong, but how does it even cross your mind to ask this?

You've made mistakes, and you need to suffer the consequences. I may be your friend, but I wouldn't be a very good friend if I shielded you from something you need, would I? You need to understand your mistake, and I'm not going to lie for you, however many times you plead me to. Otherwise you'd just end up making the same mistake again.

And if you weren't ready for the relationship, why did you get into it in the first place? If you weren't ready for the big steps that you took, why did you let things go so far? One simply has to be a little mature about these things. It's not a ball you're playing with, it's your life. Every decision counts. Every decision we make leads to the person we become.

At the end of the day, it's just a break-up. That's all. It's not the end of the world. There's simply no need to make such a hue and cry and act like Armageddon's come.

You're probably feeling angry and disappointed that I didn't stand up for you, and didn't support you. Believe me, I am supporting you, but in the way that you need, not the way that you want. Someday you'll understand, hopefully.

Supersonic Overdrive!

Hello little boys, little toys
We're the dreams you're believing
Crawling up the walls
Running down your face...

Dammit- I just can't get it out of my head!

Razor sharp, razor clean
Feel the weapon's sensation
On your back
With loaded guns!

Talk about addictive...
I find myself singing these lines while I'm cooking, lacing up my Converse sneakers, or even brushing my teeth.

Now hold on to me, pretty baby
If you want to fly
I'm gonna melt the fever, sugar
Rolling back your eyes...

Ever get a song into your head that you simply can't get out? One that you wouldn't want to get out too- because it's just too darn catchy?
Le Disko is stuck in my head now. For lesser enlightened ones, it's this amazing song by Shiny Toy Guns- that was featured in the MotoRazr 2 ad.
BRILLIANT song.
The lyrics just get me inside- know what I mean?

We're gonna ride the race cars
We're gonna dance on fire
We're the girls Le Disko
Supersonic overdrive...

"Supersonic Overdrive". I have had that as my Gtalk status display for a while now. And believe me, I'm one to change status displays as frequently as... Erm.. Well, just frequently. (For want of a good simile.)

So what's it gonna take?
Silver shadow believer
Spock rocker with your dirty eyes
It's a chance gonna move
Gonna fuck up your ego
Silly boy gonna make you cry...

"Silver shadow believer"... I am just speechless. Does it get you tapping your feet, or what??!

If what they say is true...
You're a boy - and I'm a girl
I will never fall in love with you.

I love this song! Every time I hear it, it makes me want to get up and dance!
It's official- this song is my latest addiction.
And it's not just me- I've made someone else crazy about it too. Feels nice to spread the joy.

Oh, and by the way- this blog post is for you. I guess you know why. *wink*