These days, I just do not feel like writing. Perhaps I used to be a lot more loquacious earlier, maybe, even uptil a few months back, I was bursting with the energy of words. Now, I just feel so mellow. A strange sense of peace has enveloped me. Sometimes, I feel so calm, like I'm standing still, living inside my own little bubble, watching the madness of the world outside. I watch the lives of most people with bemusement, sometimes with sympathy. Now - I just feel peace. I think I have finally become happy with myself. Contented with the person that I am. Whatever self-image problems I might have suffered with in the past, I don't have them now. Despite my private demons and my emotional turmoil, I like the person I've grown to become.

And even though there are exams to study for, the usual assignments and the myriad other things that keep me so occupied nowadays, there is pure bliss in the little things - like the black-and-white photograph of a tiny life, beautiful lines from a good book, endless glasses of Iced Tea, or even reconnecting with an old friend.

Being Responsible And Level-Headed Is Such A Pain...

...Because sometimes you just don't get to do the things you really want to do. You don't get to let your hair down, and have some totally spontaneous, free-spirited fun, not worrying about the consequences. Because that is what I do, I worry about the consequences of my actions, and what will happen later, and so I inevitably pass up tempting times when I could possibly have been crazily irresponsible with a devil-may-care attitude. I could make a career out of sticking to my deadlines, of following the rules and sticking to the straight and narrow.

My best friend keeps asking me why and how I am so 'together' - I don't know why I am, really. Maybe it's a defence mechanism, maybe I just don't want to lose control, maybe I am scared of what will happen if I do. I have made it a habit to be balanced, to be mature and responsible, and to stick by my values, but sometimes, honestly - I wonder what would happen if I just got rid of all those notions, even if temporarily.

And now, when I have fever and am feeling unwell, I can't even curl up under my quilt and shut out the world, I have to make myself hot cups of tea to ease my sore throat, keep track of my temperature, and then go pick up Ma from the airport. Because there are chores to be done, articles to be written, and work to be done, and of course - being an adult is so much fun, with all its responsibility and requirements of keeping a straight head on your shoulders.

This post makes no sense, probably - but I have fever and I think allowances may be made for that. Blah to you.

Happiness.

Happiness is curling up in bed while a thunderstorm rages outside. Digging into a plateful of steaming hot Pasta, with Pickles at my feet, and dancing in the rain afterwards. Then breathing in the heady smell of the earth - that delightful snorgasbord of rain, grass and air - that combines to make you feel both cool and warm at the same time.
Happiness is completing three undergraduate years at JUDE, looking back on the numerous cups of Iced Tea, the good and the bad classes, the picnics and the photographs, the retardness, and the friends.
Happiness is a long drive along the streets of Calcutta, followed by a stroll along Prinsep Ghat, rounded off with spicy Momos. Happiness is the feel of your hand, the sound of your voice, and the beep of my phone whenever it's a text message from you.
Happiness is making it through certain stressful-painful days in one piece, going to sleep at night knowing something's been accomplished, knowing I've made a difference. Because all the sharp words, all the criticism, and all the sarcasm - it's all temporary. I know what I'm worth, what I'm capable of - and as long as the people who matter know, that's all I need.

I've Learnt...

...That sometimes it's just fun to let go, let my hair down, and live in the moment without worrying about tomorrow.
...That the streets of Calcutta look beautiful at 3 am. Picturesque. Almost romantic.
...That sometimes, it's possible to have fun with people I've met just minutes earlier.
...That temptation is hard to resist. Yes, really hard.

It's been a brilliantly amazing night. For more reasons than I would wish to mention.

Silence! The OCD Queen Speaks.

I am the laughing-stock in my circle of friends for being the girl who obsesses about every little thing under the sun, the girl who shudders at dust and inches away from dirt. I need order and method in my life, like a certain Hercule Poirot. Disorderliness gets to me. I have been called everything from 'compulsive to 'weird' and 'manic'.
How am I obsessive and compulsive? Ways, let me count thee.

1. I don't doodle on my notebooks. Ever. My friends get scratched and screeched at if they make marks on my stationery. Even a little dot upsets me.
   
2. When I'm walking, I like sticking to the square tiles, or the round patterns - of the floor. Keeping my feet inside the design of the floor gives me a strange kick.
3. I like making lists. Enough said.
4. I am a stickler for cleanliness. Scruffiness and untidiness upsets me. That would explain my spotless room.
5. This is a follow-up on the previous point. I love cleaning. I think it's therapeutic. When I'm tired, or cranky, or even feeling out of sorts, all I need is to sit down and clean/dust my books, or CDs. Or even polish silver cutlery. It's an instant pick-me-up.
   
6. I need proper punctuation. And proper grammar. This not only backs up my obsessive-compulsive point, it makes me a Grammar Nazi (as someone put it so well.) I expect I shall soon be ostracised from Facebook for correcting people's grammar and spelling.
7. I like stacking things in rows or piles. The other day, at the canteen, I was stacking the tea-cups in even piles, till my friends jumbled them up. The world, I tell you, is a mean, mean place.
8. If I'm reading, and I want to take a break, I need to reach the end of the chapter for me to put the book down. I simply cannot stop in the middle, no matter if the chapter-end is 20 pages away - I'll still read on, then stop.
9. All the pens in my pen-stands are arranged nib-downwards. This is done so that the ink flows easily.
10. I need all the folders in my laptop arranged in a certain way. Folder, sub-folder, then folder inside that, and so on.
11. If one of the incense sticks I've lit during my morning puja happens to go out without burning all the way to the end, it spoils the rest of my day.
12. When I'm cooking, I need the ingredients cut perfectly. No lopsidedly-sliced peppers, please. Or untidily chopped mushrooms.
    
13. I think the Colin spray is one of mankind's greatest inventions.
14. I get very depressed if I lose something, be it a lip balm, or be it a pen. The world almost ceases to turn until I find it again. Really.
15. Do you notice that there are 15 points? I could have stopped it at 12, or 13. But it has to be rounded off!
    

In fact, the very fact that I'm even writing this post should be ample proof.
I imagine I would be a very difficult person to live with. Woe to the man who will eventually end up with me, if at all that ever happens. *sigh*

The Second Ear Piercing.

Sometimes, all it takes to overcome a lifelong fear and queasiness is the reassuring touch of a friend's hand, plenty of Mentos, and the thought of cold coffee and PNPC.

Tagged by Sohini and Shreya.

25 Random things, facts, habits, goals about myself:

1. The songs I am currently addicted to are "Come On, Eileen" (The Cure), and "Morning Has Broken" (Cat Stevens).
2. I have OCD. And that's not a big secret. I straighten pictures on the wall if they're crooked, I get intensely bothered by dust, and I don't let anyone doodle on my notebook. In fact, I don't doodle myself on my notebook!
3. Cooking is my passion, and I feel incomplete without it. It's like therapy, you know? The kitchen is one of my favourite places to be.
4. I am tremendously scared of heights. Oh, and lizards disgust me.
5. My favourite books are Frankenstein, and Haroun And The Sea Of Stories. I could read them over and over again.
6. I like pink. I look good in the colour. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. *grin*
7. Hypocrisy is a big turn-off for me. There's nothing worse than pretending to be something you're not.
8. My chocolate cakes are awesome, and have gathered quite a fan following. *grin* I'm not bragging, just merely stating a fact.
9. I don't wear a watch. I feel uncomfortable in them. For me, looking at the time on my mobile phone is enough.
10. I have a serious problem with injections and blood tests. I black out when the needle pricks my arm. I'm not too comfortable with the sight of blood, either. And that's putting it mildly.
11. "Ratatouille" - my favourite animated film. That movie was just awesome!
12. Clingyness and being over-friendly make me uncomfortable. I'm a person who needs my space.
13. I'm not very brand conscious, but certain brands I do swear by. For example, I don't wear any other jeans but Levi's, I practically live in Converse shoes! And I adore Nina Ricci perfume.
14. Sushi gets to me. I can't stand the dish. Tried it, hated it.
15. I am quite happy being alone, and doing stuff on my own. Lots of people feel terrifically lonely when left to themselves, but not me. I think I've always been a bit removed, if you know what I mean.
16. JUDE is one of the best things that has happened to me. Literally, a dream come true.
17. I miss my dad terribly. And I hugely admire my mother for what she's made of herself. I'd consider myself fortunate if I could be even half the person she is.
18. If I could visit any one place, it'd be Venice. I've always wanted to go there.
19. I can eat a lot, without putting on weight.
20. In the last one year or so, I've made some really close friends. And I love each one of them, for being so special. You all know who you are. *grin*
21. I'd like to name my daughter (if I have one) - Nayantara, or Mrinalini. I think they're very pretty names. Moplah, are you listening? *wink*
22. I adore the smells of citrus and vanilla. Oh, and new books too.
23. I never go out on Sundays, unless absolutely necessary. For me, it's the day to stay at home. Wild horses wouldn't be able to drag me out.
24. I am obsessed with earrings! I have countless pairs, half of which I haven't even worn as yet, and I still buy more!
25. I have a hot temper, which flares up easily sometimes, making me say the most awful things. (Sometimes, I've even thrown stuff.) But I'm much more in control of it than I used to be.

The Days Are Going By.

Yes, they are. Pretty quickly. It'll be 2009 before we know it. Tempus fugit, indeed.

I gave a disastrous test on Philology today. Gah to C.L. Wrenn. I nearly fell asleep yesterday, while studying. I'm not joking. It really is that boring. Heart-'wrenn'chingly dull. (What would I do without PJs to sustain me?)

I have been overdosing on Pasta lately- made it in different ways for the last three days straight. And, oh yes, I've been overdosing on cheese too.

Watched 'Serendipity' on Tuesday. I'd seen it before, of course, watched it again after ages. It's a really nice movie. Not your typical sappy romance movie.

And here's a colourful pair of socks Guppy sent me from Delhi. Pretty, yes?

Home-Alone

There is something rather nice about having the house to myself. Cooking for myself. Being completely independent, managing the shongshar, and handling Ma's work while she's away. I am having to remember a whole lot of issues at once, coordinate lots of things at the same time, and do many many jobs. It's tiring, it's stressing, it's difficult, but it's also exhilarating. I am feeling this sense of accomplishment.

I'm proud of myself.

Time to give myself a hug.

I was sketched!

Had gone with Ma to this event at Weavers Studio on Saturday night, was helping out with welcoming the Press, etc etc etc. They're bringing back the Indigo dye, by organising an exhibition called 'Neel'. Anyway, I'm not going to bore you with all that, but just cut to the main part of the story. There was this French fellow who had come, and was sketching everything. After a while he went and sat outside, under a tree, and started sketching random people. I was getting bored inside, and went out for a minute, to get some fresh air. The fellow started sketching me! I wasn't aware of it, I wasn't even looking at him, but my sister called me inside and told me. I was a little freaked out, so I struck up a conversation with him, asked him whether he was an artist or not. He replied, "Beeg artisth!" (Presumably meaning "Big artist!") It was at that very moment that I caught a glimpse of his drawing of me. It looked a bit like this: (I labelled the parts I found rather insulting...)

Maybe he was being sarcastic when he said he was a 'beeg artisth'?

Note: My drawing isn't good (I'm not very artistic), but consider that mine is a Van Gogh masterpiece compared to his!!

My Top Ten Favourite Smells

My Top Ten Favourite Smells -

1. Vanilla essence. (wow!)
2. Jasmine flowers. (so refreshing...)
3. New books. (don't you just love the smell of the print?)
4. Freshly baked chocolate cake. (yum!)
5. Old Spice men's cologne. (completely intoxicating!)
6. The air just after it's rained. (very romantic...)
7. Citrus fruit. (unusual, but so nice!)
8. Yardley English Rose. (elegant!)
9. Dove shampoo. (hehe!)
10. Potpourri. (don't tell me you don't know what it is!)

The written word...

Barring the Ladybirds and the picture books, I remember the very first book I read completely by myself. It was a heavily illustrated 'Peter Pan'. I read it on my father's lap, and I remember pausing over the unfamiliar name "John", and my father clapping me on the back when I pronounced it correctly. Till date, 'Peter Pan' has remained one of my favourite stories.

I have always loved books. Everytime I was gifted a book, or bought one, I would rush to the bed, curl up and start reading. And I was deaf to the outside world till I had finished. My family knew that it was unwise to disturb me, for I would get extremely cranky if brought back to earth. Nowadays I come across people who say they 'hate' books, that they have never read just for the sheer pleasure of reading. Apparently it is 'uncool' to like reading. Is it really? What a very sad situation. I can't imagine a life without books. And anyway, who CARES if reading is uncool? Those who think it is, are certainly missing something.

Books have a charm of their own, don't they? They have this magical gift of transporting you somewhere else. Read 'Malory Towers', and you're actually in one of the dormitories, attending a midnight feast with Darrell, Sally, Alicia and the rest. Read 'Curtain: Poirot's Last Case', and you're sitting with the master detective himself, watching him rack 'the little grey cells'. Flip through the pages of 'Cinderella', and you'll find yourself wishing it were you instead of her, riding off into the sunset with Prince Charming.

Enid Blyton has probably been one of my biggest influences. I fancied myself a British girl living in the 1930s or so, instead of an Indian one living in the 1990s. My brother still laughs at me- and reminds me of that, much to my embarrassment. I lived on a diet of boarding school stories, descriptions of yummy meals (scones formed an integral part!), and talked with a distinct British accent and said stuff like "Dear me!" All that aside, Enid Blyton was unbeatable. Show me a children's book that's better than any of hers, and I'll swallow an entire glass of lassi. (I say that because I can't stand the stuff). Amelia Jane, the Faraway Tree, the naughtiest girl, St. Clare's, the Famous Five, the Five Find Outers- what would any of us have done without her books to read? (I remember having a crush on Julian, of the Famous Five. What a hottie!)

Agatha Christie, again, has been a huge favourite. I have yet to read a crime novel that's better than any of hers. Even now, if I read 'And Then There Were None' at night, I feel chills running down my spine. Her endings are so completely unpredictable, they leave you feeling like a fool and wishing you had seen it before. And when she's done explaining, it sounds so ridiculously simple that you wonder how you hadn't seen it before!

Asterix and Obelix, of course, I love too. Who can resist the subtle humour? Poor Cacophonix, he's NEVER allowed to sing! I've read all the Tintin comics too. I used to have (probably still do) a big crush on Captain Haddock! No one can quite match his vocabulary for abuses!

"The Catcher In The Rye" - another huge favourite. A book like no other. You can't help but identify with it.

I quite liked "Daddy Long Legs" too. It's a completely unique story. Something that you can read over and over again and never get bored of.

And I suppose I should mention Harry Potter too, in view of all this Pottermania. I like the books, though I don't go completely nuts over them. They're well written, yes, and J K Rowling has worked out a pretty good formula. The stories are gripping, you find yourself drawn into the characters, but I wouldn't go so far as to queue up ouside a bookstore all night long or anything!

And yes, there has been the usual junk that I've read. Stuff that everyone has read. Archie, Sweet Valley, and the trash that is called Goosebumps. Archie comics are nice, though. They make for pleasant reading on cold winter nights. I've read Sidney Sheldon's works too. 'Tell Me Your Dreams' was rather nice.

I've never liked classics much, neither do I like Georgette Heyer's books. My friends have repeatedly recommended them to me, though. I like Jeffrey Archer's stuff, though I prefer his short stories. I find his novels a tad boring.

How can I forget to mention Adrian Mole's Diary, by Sue Townsend? It's definitely one of the most hilarious books I've come across. The writing is so endearingly REAL, somehow. And the subtle satire on life and its many facets is hard to miss. If you haven't read it, do. You won't be sorry.

Lewis Carroll- who can forget him? 'Alice in Wonderland' and 'Through the Looking Glass' are works of art in themselves. And I must mention this story I had really liked by Oscar Wilde, called 'The Nightingale'. Truly wonderful.

Paulo Coelho's writing is really good too. Very different. And with a lot of meaning. Sometimes, he tends to get a little pretentious. But on the whole, good reading. 'Veronika Decides to Die' and Eleven Minutes' being two of my favourites.

And I've talked about just a minor percentage.

Books. Aaah. What comfort. Gimme a good book, some cookies, pleasant weather and a bed. Now THAT'S bliss!

Simple Pleasures

My Top 10 Pleasures (in random order)

1. Having a really good bath, feeling squeaky clean, and then getting all dressed up to go out somewhere. 'Coz I know I look nice!
2. Listening to a really good song, or watching a really good movie.
3. Being with family- eating out, going to watch a movie, or even just vegetating at home.
4. Saikat- thinking about him, talking to him, being with him. Basically anything and everything about him.
5. Being with friends, talking to them, or going out with them.
6. Having a cat curl up and purr on my lap.
7. A simple sweet kiss.
8. Writing something good- a poem, a story, even a blog entry!
9. Shopping- buying nice clothes / accessories / CDs / books / makeup.
10. Eating something that tastes nice.